Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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