peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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