I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
