Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
