i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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