Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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