Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
