This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
