Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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