if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
