i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
