i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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