Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
