FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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