Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
