What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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