im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
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at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
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There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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