i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
