I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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