I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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