I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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