Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
