my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
