just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
