what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
