Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
