I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I wish there were birth control emojis
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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