im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
