Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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