so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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