took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
