Please, let me fuck your mom
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
