On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
