Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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