I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
