Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Randomize
