Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
