Cold hands, warm shart.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
