the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
