At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you had me at cake vodka
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
