i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
