I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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