do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
