Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.