Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
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There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.