1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
