Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
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So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
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Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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