I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
