Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
