Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
it's not cheating when I paid for it
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
