his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
