i would punch a child for taco bell
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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